It's March!

I can't believe it's March already and also that it is FINALLY March. It's weird how fast this year is going by but how slowly the winter seems to be going. I am 31 weeks pregnant as of yesterday. It's amazing to think that I could be having a baby next month. I am trying to enjoy this last little bit of pregnancy since I won't be doing this again, but I am getting to the point where I am tired of not being able to breathe and having a baby up in my ribs all the time and having this big old basketball in my way and not being able to move very well. I am looking forward to getting some kind of exercise again and being able to hold this little sweetie.

My sister is coming out sometime right around the baby's birthday so that should be cool. I haven't seen her in two years so I am very happy that she's going to come visit. It would probably be even longer if it was up to me to go see her because I am not really a big fan of the idea of traveling with little kids by plane or even at all these days with all the security issues, how expensive it is and the issues that everyone seems to have with cancelled flights and problems with the planes.

My daughter is now in a toddler bed and it has been quite the experience. Some nights and days she goes to sleep quite easily very quickly but others (most) days she refuses to nap and gets out of bed about 50 times and drives me insane. On the days that she does actually take a nap, she does this little routine at night until about 8:30 or 9 at night. It is very tiresome. Especially because I have to keep going up and down the stairs to put her back in bed and I can barely even bend over without huffing and puffing so that's a lot of work for me. I am glad, however, that she is used to the bed and is already calling her crib her sister's crib. I'm just hoping that she doesn't drive the poor baby nuts when they both have to sleep at the same time.

My husband has decided to switch from teaching to accounting for his degree because he already has an associate's degree in accounting and the way the teaching situation is right now, he was getting really stressed out about it and how even if he manages to find a job in an environment where they are all getting laid off, it will be for way less pay than he is making now.

Anyway, I am very excited for the coming months and I will keep you all posted on how everything is going!

Another end, another beginning...

Well it's New Year's Eve. Already. I can't believe how fast this year flew by. I think it went by faster than any other year so far. I just wanted to take a minute to reflect on this year and think about the year to come.

This year has brought about a lot of joy and happiness as well as some frustrations. My daughter has grown by leaps and bounds, recently speaking in complete sentences and learning more and more French words by the day. She is just such a beautiful little gift. She makes me laugh when I am grumpy, I marvel at her intelligence and her loving personality. She has brought so much fulfillment to my life I can't begin to thank God enough for bringing her to me.

After many months of having no insurance and no prospects at getting any, we finally got health insurance and soon after conceived our second child. I am now almost 23 weeks pregnant with a healthy, active baby girl. My daughter will have a sister just like I wanted and I will be blessed with two beautiful daughters to cook with, laugh with and just be with. I couldn't be more thankful for this gift either. I am enjoying every kick and squirm in my belly and while I look forward to meeting my second child, I know that this will be my last pregnancy so I am trying to soak up every moment of what it feels like to have another human being growing inside me. I don't think there is any gift greater than to be a woman who is able to carry a child.

After much pondering, I decided to try to make a career out of my photography and actually got some things accomplished to that end. I got a DBA license, I got business cards, I did a photo shoot for friends, and I did my first craft show. While business is very slow to start, I am hoping to at least make a lucrative hobby out of it. Meanwhile I am staying in school to complete my bachelor's degree. I don't think I will regret that decision.

In fact, looking in to the future, (not this new year though) I may even decide to go for my master's degree in family and child therapy. I don't know if I'll need to go further on with school after that in order to have any kind of job but it is something that I think I would be very good at and it is something that interests me.

I am looking forward to my husband getting a teaching job and realizing a long-held goal of getting a bachelor's degree and career. He's been working very hard and I will be very proud to see him accomplish his goal and be happy in a new career.

I am looking forward to doing an art show with my mother at her local library this summer. I will get paid $50 for it and get my work out there and possibly sell some too if people like what they see. It's just another foot in the door which is always great.

I am looking forward to cooking more "clean" meals and making a lot more stuff from scratch. This week I made ice cream and I am going to be making cinnamon raisin bread also. I feel so much better as a mother to give my daughter food that I prepared and is minimally (or not at all) processed. I want to make sure I eat more fruits and veggies as well.

While I am hoping for more good things this year, I recognize that every year has it's hard times and I just hope that I will have the strength and wisdom to face them and that I can support my family with whatever they will need.

Here's to a happy and healthy new year for everyone! I hope everyone is safe tonight and is able to ring in the new year with someone special!

Change

Well I am feeling much better and more optimistic since the last time I wrote. First of all, I had my ultrasound a couple weeks ago and was very relieved to learn that everything was good. All my genetic tests came back normal and everything looked like it was supposed to with the baby. The placenta is also attaching to the back of my uterus which is where it is supposed to be.

And after a lot of thinking that we weren't going to be able to find out the sex, the technician was able to get a good shot and let us know that we are having another girl! I am so excited. That is exactly what I wanted. I said I only wanted two kids and I wanted Riley to have a sister so it couldn't be more perfect! Now the two of them sharing a room will be much less of a problem and I will have to buy a lot less clothes and toys. We have a name picked out for her which I love, but no middle name so far. I only told my mother and two best friends what I'm having and I'm trying to keep it a secret from everyone else until I have the baby. I couldn't wait for the surprise, but I would like it to be a surprise for everyone else at least. I'm not even telling anyone the name either. I don't want to hear any feedback until the baby is born.

Riley is going to be such a good big sister too. She's always wanting to rub my belling and kiss it and talk to the baby. She is so gentle and sweet with her dolls and stuffed animals too. I'm just hoping that continues and she doesn't turn into a jealous monster once the baby is born. I'm hoping that I can pay her enough attention so that that won't happen, but only time will tell I guess.

Another thing that has boosted my mood was the craft fair I did this weekend. I went and picked up my mom who sat with me there all day. Thank God for that or I wouldn't have been able to get up to pee a thousand times like I had to! Anyway, I didn't sell anything but a few notecards, but I got a ton of compliments and pointers on how to kick my career up a notch. A lot of people took my card so I got my name out there and they were genuinely impressed with my work which made me very happy. I was across the aisle from two art teachers who bought some cards and really liked my stuff and then approached by another artist there who wanted to use some of my work to paint. Even though I didn't sell any prints like I had hoped, I left with a feeling of a job well done and satisfaction that people really enjoyed my work.

Lastly, after much worry and consideration and deliberation, I have decided to stay in school. I am not continuing in the same program however. I talked to my mentor at school who informed me of a program that I was not aware of before. It is an educational studies degree which is basically the same as the degree that I was getting except that it doesn't end in a teaching certification which is fine with me because as I've stated before, I don't want to teach anyway. So, now I don't have to worry about what to do with the kids while I'm trying to do the observations and student teaching that is required with that degree. I also don't have to pay back $700/month in student loans. That takes a load off my mind. I'll also end up with the bachelor's degree that I have worked so hard to get up until this point. I know that I will be happy with that and it will open more doors down the road if I can't manage to make the photography thing into an actual business.

I can't believe that Christmas is right around the corner. The weather has been so crappy out this week that I haven't been able to get out much so I am hoping that tomorrow it is a little better so that I can get the majority of the stuff I have left done. I have been making cookies for a few days and still have some more to do. I'm not quite sure who I'm making them for, but it's been fun!

Anyway, I'm feeling so much better about life in general than I was before. It goes to show you how much can change in just a little while. :-)

Not too jolly...

Today marks the start of the Christmas holiday and I am feeling less than jolly about the whole thing. Not really about the holiday but about life in general. I just found out that my brother lost his job like two months ago. It was an executive level position too. My best friend just told me that she's filing for bankruptcy and she's thinking about moving even farther away from me. She also thinks her son might be autistic. Good news all around this morning. Throw together in there the whole North Korea situation and it makes for a nice black cloud over my mood today.

Along with all that, I am extremely worried about money in the near future. By stopping school in December, I will start to be hit with major student loan bills come January. Not only do we have those bills to worry about, but we are now paying 356 dollars a month for health insurance which is pretty much useless because I have to meet a $2400 deductible before they start to pay for things. Then I believe they only pay at 80% anyway. We already got a bill for one of the lab charges for this pregnancy, soon I will get another and then there is the ultrasound next week and Lord only knows how much they will cost. Not to mention the bills for the actual delivery and all the prenatal care. All this on one income.

I don't want my husband to resent me for quitting school and putting him in the position to have to pay back everything on his own. I feel awful but at the same time I was not going to waste another two years of my life getting a degree for something that I do not want to do. I am trying to get this photography thing going and it seems to be picking up a little. I did one family portrait shoot and I am doing a craft fair in a couple of weeks. I had business cards made up and I am hoping that at least if not a lot of people buy my stuff I can at least get some exposure and have some people request my work. In fact, a coworker of my husband's told me that if I can get a good picture of our local lighthouse, she might buy it for her husband's birthday. I'm being commissioned to take pictures! That makes me feel like maybe I can make something out of this. I'm hoping I can because I would really love to contribute something towards the bills and my husband refuses to have me get a job because he thinks it is more important for me to take care of the kids. I just want to feel like I can contribute and help ease his burden a little since I feel like it's my fault that he's so burdened in the first place.

The poor guy is working so hard at work and then he comes home and goes to his taekwondo class and then does homework all the time so he can get a teaching job. And even though he'll technically be making less with teaching, at least he will have benefits and that is worth it's weight in gold it seems. I have no problem leading a simple lifestyle and not spending a lot of money, but it doesn't seem to matter too much to do that with all these other mandatory bills to pay. I'm just hoping that we can make it and don't end up losing our house, our sanity or our good credit along the way.

We have been going to church lately and I know this week what I will be praying for. For things to get better for everyone with this awful economy and that the U.S. doesn't find itself in another war. I am praying for everyone to just get along as naive and hippyish as it sounds. Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving and will have a good holiday season. I am going to try to stay positive and focus on the blessings in life instead of all this gloom and doom. :-)

Update

Well, things are pretty good here. I had my first appointment almost a month ago already and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat. My blood pressure and everything seemed good. We told my daughter that day that she's going to be a big sister and ever since then she's been so cute about it. When I read to her at naptime and night, she looks up and smiles at me and then lifts up my shirt and pets my belly and says "baby!" I think she is very excited to meet this baby. The other day she said "see baby!" and I had to explain to her that it's going to be awhile because it has a lot of growing to do!

Everyone thinks or hopes that I am going to have a boy. Everyone thought I was having a boy the first time around, including me until the day before my ultrasound when I just had a feeling it was a girl. I am really hoping for Riley to have a sister though. I had such an awesome, close relationship with my sister growing up and I just don't think there is any bond stronger than that. It's just so nice when you can talk to your sister about anything. I'd love for her to be able to have that and if the baby is a girl to have a big sister to look up to. I hope I am not too disappointed if I end up having a boy. I of course just want a healthy baby, but I don't know what to do with boys. My whole family and my husband's family is just filled with girls. I also find myself worrying more about stuff with boys. Circumcision, autism, potty training and daredevilness are among them. Hopefully if I do have a boy, my kids can still be super close and I can enjoy having one of each.

On another note, I can't believe it is almost Halloween! Every time I say anything about it, my daughter says "candy!" She has already learned how to say Trick or Treat and she's going to be a bee. If you ask her what a bee says she says "buzz a buzz, buzz a buzz!" It cracks me up. She's very excited, I just hope she'll actually let me put her costume on and doesn't get scared when we go out trick or treating. She gets scared easily by loud noises, I just hope the costumes don't faze her much.

Well that's about it for now, just wanted to give a quick update. Night!

Blessings

It seems I have taken to blog writing mostly when in a state of "crisis" or turmoil in my life and I wanted to take a moment today to write about all the wonderful, positive things in my life. Firstly, I am so thankful for my husband who seems to know just how to make all my stress and worries lift right off my shoulders. I was feeling a little scared yesterday about my career prospects and money and all that and he calmed me right down and told me not to worry and that he would take care of me and I just need to worry about being a good mom. He just makes me so happy I can't even tell you. I love that he respects me as a parent and values my parenting as an asset and tries to find any way he can that I am able to stay home to take care of our daughter. I honestly think I couldn't have found a better match for myself and I am so happy I found him so young!

Second is my daughter. She is amazing! Such a sweet, smart, funny little girl. She is just a happy little thing and I enjoy 99% of the time I spend with her. Of course there is the 1% when she is showing off her two year oldness! I'm just so lucky to be able to spend my days with her. I know what she is trying to say and what she is referring to even if what she's saying seems out of place to most people. She has a ton of sound effects that she uses for things and I know what all of them mean. Of course she learned the sound effects from me so it's easy for me to interpret! I just feel so connected to her. She's like my little sidekick. I love her so much sometimes I think I might just squeeze her to death like Lenny in Of Mice and Men. (But I won't really, don't worry!)

The fall. I am thankful that it is not 100 degrees anymore and there are fun things to get out and do as a family. Today we went to a Fall Jamboree where they had food, music, crafts, animals, pumpkins and apple picking. We also went on a wagon ride to get to and from the parking lot and to and from the apple picking. My daughter really seemed to enjoy that. It was my first time apple picking surprisingly and it was a lot of fun. It was pretty warm though and close to naptime so we kind of did it in a hurry, but I think if we go again, she will really like it. On the way back to the wagon I carried her and she just put her head on me and snuggled and she stayed like that all the way back to the car. Just cuddling with me and saying "hi mama". She just melts my heart! Sometimes I find myself missing this stage already even though we're still in it. I don't look forward to the days when she is too busy with friends to hang out with me or the stage when I'm just too embarrassing to even be seen with in public.

Lastly, I am thankful for this baby growing in my belly. I've always wanted to be pregnant during the fall and holidays and now I am. I'm excited to give my daughter a sibling and get to experience the little baby stage one more time before we move on from the babymaking stage.

I hope everyone can think of a few things to be thankful for today, and if you can't, wait until tomorrow because there's bound to be something then!

Kind of down today...

I don't know what my problem is today. Maybe it is the rainy, gloomy weather we've had or maybe it's just pregnancy hormones. I don't know. But I feel physically and mentally down. I haven't wanted to do much of anything today and I've been kind of nauseous and tired.

I placed an ad for my photography work in the paper this week. It went in on Friday. It's been in the paper for two days and I haven't heard a thing. I know two days is not really long, but I'm just worried that I won't get any bites at all. I'm also worried if someone does call me and I don't have enough experience for them that I won't get the job anyway and then I'm worried if I actually do get a job that I'll screw it up somehow and that I jumped into this thing before I really had enough practice. Just because I have a degree in photography doesn't make me a professional and taking the last 4 years off from anything photography related was probably not a good idea.

Maybe I should have practiced and gotten people to let me photograph them to build up my portfolio before I just jumped into business and decided I wanted to stop school. I can of course still continue on with school if I want but at this point I've already put myself so far behind I don't know if I'd be able to catch up and I still really don't want to do it. I think it is unfair to the school, the children, the parents of those children and myself if I continued on in that field.

I just get so worried that I will never be good enough for people to want my work and that I don't have the dedication and confidence to pull this off. I really blame my father's genes for this. He hasn't put any effort into anything in his whole life and I sometimes feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle trying to succeed in something and put effort into something. It feels like a genetic hinderance, something I really have to fight to get around. I just wish I had more natural talent, more drive and more confidence that I am any good.

I'm just afraid that I am going to quit school to really work on this business but the clients won't be there and I will end up working at Subway or something for the rest of my life because I have no education to fall back on and the one thing I do have a degree in isn't panning out. I'm also kind of bothered by the fact that I have not received the same kind of support from photography friends that I have always given to them. Apparently my work is not of the caliber that they can click that 'like' button on facebook. Thanks guys. The support is really helpful.

So, all around I just feel like a big pile of crap and I'm having trouble envisioning a successful career. Hopefully I'm wrong. Hopefully I'll get some interest in my ad and I can prove myself to be a good photographer. I know I need more practice but I just hope someone out there will give me the chance to succeed. I'm sick of feeling like there is nothing I excel in. There's only things that I am pretty good at. The only thing in my life that I really feel like I succeed in is parenting. I know that's more important than photography, or anything else, but I still want some kind of talent that people can recognize and appreciate me for. I've never been one that is good at scientific, mechanical or mathematical stuff so all I have left is artsy stuff. I wish I didn't always do everything half-assed and could've really pushed myself earlier in life. UGH.

I need to find something productive to do. Bumming around with my vacationing husband all week has not helped me to feel a sense of purpose. I just don't know what to do! I can't really practice my photography much with no subjects and while I'm trying to chase a two year old around. I guess I could do school work that doesn't really matter. Yeah, that should make me feel a lot better! :-(