Blessings

It seems I have taken to blog writing mostly when in a state of "crisis" or turmoil in my life and I wanted to take a moment today to write about all the wonderful, positive things in my life. Firstly, I am so thankful for my husband who seems to know just how to make all my stress and worries lift right off my shoulders. I was feeling a little scared yesterday about my career prospects and money and all that and he calmed me right down and told me not to worry and that he would take care of me and I just need to worry about being a good mom. He just makes me so happy I can't even tell you. I love that he respects me as a parent and values my parenting as an asset and tries to find any way he can that I am able to stay home to take care of our daughter. I honestly think I couldn't have found a better match for myself and I am so happy I found him so young!

Second is my daughter. She is amazing! Such a sweet, smart, funny little girl. She is just a happy little thing and I enjoy 99% of the time I spend with her. Of course there is the 1% when she is showing off her two year oldness! I'm just so lucky to be able to spend my days with her. I know what she is trying to say and what she is referring to even if what she's saying seems out of place to most people. She has a ton of sound effects that she uses for things and I know what all of them mean. Of course she learned the sound effects from me so it's easy for me to interpret! I just feel so connected to her. She's like my little sidekick. I love her so much sometimes I think I might just squeeze her to death like Lenny in Of Mice and Men. (But I won't really, don't worry!)

The fall. I am thankful that it is not 100 degrees anymore and there are fun things to get out and do as a family. Today we went to a Fall Jamboree where they had food, music, crafts, animals, pumpkins and apple picking. We also went on a wagon ride to get to and from the parking lot and to and from the apple picking. My daughter really seemed to enjoy that. It was my first time apple picking surprisingly and it was a lot of fun. It was pretty warm though and close to naptime so we kind of did it in a hurry, but I think if we go again, she will really like it. On the way back to the wagon I carried her and she just put her head on me and snuggled and she stayed like that all the way back to the car. Just cuddling with me and saying "hi mama". She just melts my heart! Sometimes I find myself missing this stage already even though we're still in it. I don't look forward to the days when she is too busy with friends to hang out with me or the stage when I'm just too embarrassing to even be seen with in public.

Lastly, I am thankful for this baby growing in my belly. I've always wanted to be pregnant during the fall and holidays and now I am. I'm excited to give my daughter a sibling and get to experience the little baby stage one more time before we move on from the babymaking stage.

I hope everyone can think of a few things to be thankful for today, and if you can't, wait until tomorrow because there's bound to be something then!

Kind of down today...

I don't know what my problem is today. Maybe it is the rainy, gloomy weather we've had or maybe it's just pregnancy hormones. I don't know. But I feel physically and mentally down. I haven't wanted to do much of anything today and I've been kind of nauseous and tired.

I placed an ad for my photography work in the paper this week. It went in on Friday. It's been in the paper for two days and I haven't heard a thing. I know two days is not really long, but I'm just worried that I won't get any bites at all. I'm also worried if someone does call me and I don't have enough experience for them that I won't get the job anyway and then I'm worried if I actually do get a job that I'll screw it up somehow and that I jumped into this thing before I really had enough practice. Just because I have a degree in photography doesn't make me a professional and taking the last 4 years off from anything photography related was probably not a good idea.

Maybe I should have practiced and gotten people to let me photograph them to build up my portfolio before I just jumped into business and decided I wanted to stop school. I can of course still continue on with school if I want but at this point I've already put myself so far behind I don't know if I'd be able to catch up and I still really don't want to do it. I think it is unfair to the school, the children, the parents of those children and myself if I continued on in that field.

I just get so worried that I will never be good enough for people to want my work and that I don't have the dedication and confidence to pull this off. I really blame my father's genes for this. He hasn't put any effort into anything in his whole life and I sometimes feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle trying to succeed in something and put effort into something. It feels like a genetic hinderance, something I really have to fight to get around. I just wish I had more natural talent, more drive and more confidence that I am any good.

I'm just afraid that I am going to quit school to really work on this business but the clients won't be there and I will end up working at Subway or something for the rest of my life because I have no education to fall back on and the one thing I do have a degree in isn't panning out. I'm also kind of bothered by the fact that I have not received the same kind of support from photography friends that I have always given to them. Apparently my work is not of the caliber that they can click that 'like' button on facebook. Thanks guys. The support is really helpful.

So, all around I just feel like a big pile of crap and I'm having trouble envisioning a successful career. Hopefully I'm wrong. Hopefully I'll get some interest in my ad and I can prove myself to be a good photographer. I know I need more practice but I just hope someone out there will give me the chance to succeed. I'm sick of feeling like there is nothing I excel in. There's only things that I am pretty good at. The only thing in my life that I really feel like I succeed in is parenting. I know that's more important than photography, or anything else, but I still want some kind of talent that people can recognize and appreciate me for. I've never been one that is good at scientific, mechanical or mathematical stuff so all I have left is artsy stuff. I wish I didn't always do everything half-assed and could've really pushed myself earlier in life. UGH.

I need to find something productive to do. Bumming around with my vacationing husband all week has not helped me to feel a sense of purpose. I just don't know what to do! I can't really practice my photography much with no subjects and while I'm trying to chase a two year old around. I guess I could do school work that doesn't really matter. Yeah, that should make me feel a lot better! :-(