I placed an ad for my photography work in the paper this week. It went in on Friday. It's been in the paper for two days and I haven't heard a thing. I know two days is not really long, but I'm just worried that I won't get any bites at all. I'm also worried if someone does call me and I don't have enough experience for them that I won't get the job anyway and then I'm worried if I actually do get a job that I'll screw it up somehow and that I jumped into this thing before I really had enough practice. Just because I have a degree in photography doesn't make me a professional and taking the last 4 years off from anything photography related was probably not a good idea.
Maybe I should have practiced and gotten people to let me photograph them to build up my portfolio before I just jumped into business and decided I wanted to stop school. I can of course still continue on with school if I want but at this point I've already put myself so far behind I don't know if I'd be able to catch up and I still really don't want to do it. I think it is unfair to the school, the children, the parents of those children and myself if I continued on in that field.
I just get so worried that I will never be good enough for people to want my work and that I don't have the dedication and confidence to pull this off. I really blame my father's genes for this. He hasn't put any effort into anything in his whole life and I sometimes feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle trying to succeed in something and put effort into something. It feels like a genetic hinderance, something I really have to fight to get around. I just wish I had more natural talent, more drive and more confidence that I am any good.
I'm just afraid that I am going to quit school to really work on this business but the clients won't be there and I will end up working at Subway or something for the rest of my life because I have no education to fall back on and the one thing I do have a degree in isn't panning out. I'm also kind of bothered by the fact that I have not received the same kind of support from photography friends that I have always given to them. Apparently my work is not of the caliber that they can click that 'like' button on facebook. Thanks guys. The support is really helpful.
So, all around I just feel like a big pile of crap and I'm having trouble envisioning a successful career. Hopefully I'm wrong. Hopefully I'll get some interest in my ad and I can prove myself to be a good photographer. I know I need more practice but I just hope someone out there will give me the chance to succeed. I'm sick of feeling like there is nothing I excel in. There's only things that I am pretty good at. The only thing in my life that I really feel like I succeed in is parenting. I know that's more important than photography, or anything else, but I still want some kind of talent that people can recognize and appreciate me for. I've never been one that is good at scientific, mechanical or mathematical stuff so all I have left is artsy stuff. I wish I didn't always do everything half-assed and could've really pushed myself earlier in life. UGH.
I need to find something productive to do. Bumming around with my vacationing husband all week has not helped me to feel a sense of purpose. I just don't know what to do! I can't really practice my photography much with no subjects and while I'm trying to chase a two year old around. I guess I could do school work that doesn't really matter. Yeah, that should make me feel a lot better! :-(
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