Trapped

I feel so trapped right now. I don't know what to think or what to do anymore. I recently found out I am pregnant which is great news but it makes my confusion even that much more. I am due in May. I had recently made up my mind to stop school and focus on starting my photography career. This is pretty slow going because first I have to have all or most of the equipment I'll need which is pretty expensive, then I have to find clients who are willing to let me photograph them and use the pictures in my portfolio and it has been easy to find someone to say sure, you can take our pictures, but then they never want to set up an actual time to do it. So, it's stressing me out because I can't exactly stop school and have my loans go back into repayment when I'll have no income.

However, I have realized that I don't want to teach. I don't even want to deal with the crap that I will have to deal to get the degree if I stick it out. The only reason I am considering sticking out going to school is because I was recently made to feel like maybe I couldn't really do this photography thing and I better have A) a backup plan and B) a way to not have to pay back my loans.

The problem is that I will have to do 60 hours of observation at three different levels of education (preschool, kindergarten and third grade) and a bunch of difficult projects while I'm doing that. Not to mention I will have to pay about $200 just to have a background check and fingerprinting done. I will have to do all this while I am pregnant and have a toddler. So, I will have to find some kind of part time daycare while I am doing these observations which I'll have to pay for too and then I'll be toting around a 6-9 month old fetus while I'm at it. I would also have to hurry to try to get all the stuff done in a shorter amount of time so that I could take off three months from school after I have the baby. Once I do have the baby, I will be nursing so I will have fewer options when it comes to student teaching and all that.

I am not enthused. Every way I look seems to be a dead end. Or a real pain in the ass. I'm really getting pretty depressed about it. I really wanted to do something where I could be home with my kids and make my own schedule and still make some money, but I don't know if I can realistically pull off a photography career. Especially if I don't book a lot (or any) weddings, I don't think there is a big market around here to have a professional photographer come to your home and do children photos or family photos. I think most people don't want to spend the couple hundred bucks on that and opt to go to places like JCPenny or the Picture People or something. It's hard to compete with such cheap prices if I ever want to make any kind of profit. And if I can't even get people to want me to take those kinds of pictures, I am never going to have a portfolio sophisticated enough to do weddings. I just feel like I'm screwed. I either try and do what I really want and have nothing to show for it and then no degree either or I ditch the dream and do something I don't even want to do. Sounds like either way I'm screwed.

I really wish the school I'm going to had something else I could go for besides teaching. I love the way the school works and being able to do it online working whenever I have the time, but I really don't want to teach. It's just a daunting task to me. Even just finding a job after I have a degree will be almost impossible. School districts are letting go of people left and right, why would they hire an almost thirty year old woman with no experience when they could probably get some 21 year old with more experience who is willing to accept less money and will be with them for longer? UGH! I quit.

Guess I'll have to mull this over for a while. I'll check in again soon.

Jumping off a cliff!

Soooo....I've been thinking. Dangerous, I know. I have been so completely and utterly unmotivated and un-enthused with school lately. It's terrible. I have absolutely no desire to do any kind of homework. I'm sick to death of it. I've also come to realize that after all this time forcing my way through education programs, I really don't want to be a teacher. I know, I already had this epiphany. I should listen to myself more often. I find that way back when I finished my photography degree and was looking for something different to do, I got into education not because I had a passion to do it and a desire to teach but because I thought that was the only thing I could do with a French degree which is what I really wanted to study. Then when I took time off from school and decided that I wanted to go online, the only program they had at this college was education. I thought that teaching younger kids would appeal to me more than older kids, but the truth is, I really just don't want to do it. I don't think I have the patience. Some days I don't have the patience for my one child, let alone a classroom full of them. I don't want to get sick every other day and bring home lice or whatever else you pick up from grimy little kids either.

So, this is very scary for me, but I think I am done with school. I want to put my full focus and energy into starting my photography business and possibly a cheesecake business as well although the photography is my main goal right now. I worry though because once I stop school, the bills will start coming in for my student loans again. I have some money saved up that I can pay them with for awhile, but I'm worried that if I don't make enough money it will be a real hardship on the family. It's not exactly steady work you can count on. Maybe one week I'll have three shoots that people want me to do and then none for another couple weeks. I'm looking into all my options too such as selling prints to gift shops in town and post cards or note cards to the bookstore or something. I'm hoping that if I have a lull in one business, the other business will take care of the income.

I just love the idea that I will be working for myself. I'll make my own schedule and be around to take care of my family. When my kids start school I can use the day to get work done and then still be home when they get home from school. It sounds wonderful. I just worry about the immediate future and daycare if and when I have to do weddings on the weekends because my husband works Saturdays and there is really no one around here who I would trust to leave my kids with for an entire day.

I have just been doing a lot of thinking and have realized that I am young enough now to really pursue my passions and be able to make a career out of what I love to do, but that will not be the case for too much longer. I really need to get my act together, pick a direction and go. I know that I love and have always loved photography and the only reason that I didn't try to make a career out of it earlier was fear. I was afraid of failure, I was afraid that I did not have the talent needed to compete in the market and I was scared of talking to people in order to network. I'm not anymore and I refuse to just do this education thing just to have a degree. I don't want to spend thousands of more dollars getting an education when there is no guarantee that I am going to be able to be licensed in this state when my degree is from out of state, I will find a job, and that I will even like it. I know I like photography and I already have a degree in that field so I feel like taking this chance isn't as big a deal as taking that chance. As soon as I have all the equipment I need and have a few shoots under my belt for my portfolio, I am going to start coming up with advertising, a website and prices.

I can't wait to start this new chapter in my life even though it is pretty terrifying if I don't make the income that I need to pay my student loans. At least I can start paying them off and wiping out the interest faster than if I waited to start until after I graduated. Luckily my husband is being very supportive about this. He's actually facing the same kind of crisis so he knows what it's like. We had a very deep discussion the other day where he realized that if he was honest with himself, he is not doing what he really wants either so he may change his plans too. I'm just hoping to make the most of this life and do what we really want before we get stuck in jobs we both hate.

On another note, we should find out thursday or friday if I'm pregnant this month. I can't really tell at this point. I feel a lot more hopeful about it this month than last because we were more precise with the timing and tried a lot more times this month. However, with being more hopeful, there is also a chance of being even more disappointed. If I'm not though, I will just be concentrating on my new career and let the chips fall where they may. I'll get pregnant when the time is right! Well, I guess that's enough for now.

Up in the air

What am I going to do? I am getting quite an unsettled feeling when I think about the near future. I want another baby and my husband and I are currently trying to get pregnant, but I just can't help but wonder where in the world that leaves me when it comes to school. It is going to be hard enough to do all the observation and student teaching necessary to graduate with one child, let alone doing it with one while being pregnant or with one toddler and an infant who needs copious amounts of attention and care. I just don't know how it's going to work. I want to be able to give my next child as much love and attention and care as I gave my first and I don't want my older child to associate her new sibling with me having to leave her at some daycare to do school stuff.

I really wish I would've gotten my crap together when I was younger so I didn't have to be dealing with this now. I am sick to death of homework and having every free second of my time consumed by doing it or feeling guilty because I'm not doing it. My student loan debt is astronomical and the only saving grace that my husband and I have right now is that they are in deferment since we are both in school.

On the other hand, lately my creative energies have been flowing and my desire to make money on my own. I have bought a new camera as I have previously posted about and I am trying to drum up a business using the one degree I actually managed to finish. If I can get it up and running and people actually like my work, I can make really good money. If I managed to get some wedding work, I could charge almost 2 grand for a weekend's worth of work. I also have an idea about starting a cheesecake business. I think I could do really well at that too. I could start by selling to some restaurants locally and then do a catering type thing where people order cakes from me for whatever occasion and I can either deliver them or they can pick them up. It would be low overhead cost and if I didn't get in too far over my head, it would be a doable task while the kids are sleeping. The actual work part of making a cheesecake is only a few minutes and then the rest is just baking and cooling.

I would love to be in business for myself doing things that I love and making my own schedule and still being here for my kids. For the first time I've actually started thinking that this is doable and I am capable at succeeding in my own business. I never felt like that before. I was afraid of failure, therefore afraid to ever even try. For some reason, that fear has subsided. Why? Maturity? Motherhood? Confidence? All of the above I think.

The only problem is I feel completely obligated to continue with school. I feel that I owe it to my husband who I've been hounding forever to finish his degree, I feel I owe it to my mother who has supported me in all my schooling choices but wants nothing more than to see me get a bachelor's degree after all I've put into it, I feel I owe it to my daughter to show her that even though it wasn't an easy roads by any means, I found a way to finish what I started and I feel that I owe it to myself if for no other reason than to get my money's worth. It will be an awful waste of money to spend on all those student loans if I never get the degree and potential job benefits from it.

To be perfectly honest though, at this point, I couldn't care less if I don't have a bachelor's degree. I used to think of it as kind of prestige thing and just a big accomplishment, but now I think it has just been a lot more trouble than it's worth. If I had started a photography business right after I got that degree, I wouldn't have wasted thousands and thousands of dollars on student loans and I'd probably already have some loans paid off. Now I just want to do something that I like to do while being able to take care of my family.

I just don't know how I'm going to pull off finishing this degree. I'm probably going to have to be doing all the student teaching stuff right around the time a new baby gets here if I get pregnant soon. I definitely don't want to put off having another baby because I'm not getting any younger and I want my children to be close in age. Also, I'm already getting spoiled by the independence that my daughter is exhibiting and I don't want to get totally used to it and then have another baby.

I guess I'll cross each bridge as I get to it and in the meantime keep chugging away at the degree even though I'm really not feeling motivated lately. God what a hypocrite I am! Every time my husband goes through these little periods where he wants to change and do something else I have a fit and tell him to stay on track cuz he's so close to being done and now I'm doing the same thing! I wish we could both just get our crap together! UGH! I guess I'll keep you posted!