Jumping off a cliff!

Soooo....I've been thinking. Dangerous, I know. I have been so completely and utterly unmotivated and un-enthused with school lately. It's terrible. I have absolutely no desire to do any kind of homework. I'm sick to death of it. I've also come to realize that after all this time forcing my way through education programs, I really don't want to be a teacher. I know, I already had this epiphany. I should listen to myself more often. I find that way back when I finished my photography degree and was looking for something different to do, I got into education not because I had a passion to do it and a desire to teach but because I thought that was the only thing I could do with a French degree which is what I really wanted to study. Then when I took time off from school and decided that I wanted to go online, the only program they had at this college was education. I thought that teaching younger kids would appeal to me more than older kids, but the truth is, I really just don't want to do it. I don't think I have the patience. Some days I don't have the patience for my one child, let alone a classroom full of them. I don't want to get sick every other day and bring home lice or whatever else you pick up from grimy little kids either.

So, this is very scary for me, but I think I am done with school. I want to put my full focus and energy into starting my photography business and possibly a cheesecake business as well although the photography is my main goal right now. I worry though because once I stop school, the bills will start coming in for my student loans again. I have some money saved up that I can pay them with for awhile, but I'm worried that if I don't make enough money it will be a real hardship on the family. It's not exactly steady work you can count on. Maybe one week I'll have three shoots that people want me to do and then none for another couple weeks. I'm looking into all my options too such as selling prints to gift shops in town and post cards or note cards to the bookstore or something. I'm hoping that if I have a lull in one business, the other business will take care of the income.

I just love the idea that I will be working for myself. I'll make my own schedule and be around to take care of my family. When my kids start school I can use the day to get work done and then still be home when they get home from school. It sounds wonderful. I just worry about the immediate future and daycare if and when I have to do weddings on the weekends because my husband works Saturdays and there is really no one around here who I would trust to leave my kids with for an entire day.

I have just been doing a lot of thinking and have realized that I am young enough now to really pursue my passions and be able to make a career out of what I love to do, but that will not be the case for too much longer. I really need to get my act together, pick a direction and go. I know that I love and have always loved photography and the only reason that I didn't try to make a career out of it earlier was fear. I was afraid of failure, I was afraid that I did not have the talent needed to compete in the market and I was scared of talking to people in order to network. I'm not anymore and I refuse to just do this education thing just to have a degree. I don't want to spend thousands of more dollars getting an education when there is no guarantee that I am going to be able to be licensed in this state when my degree is from out of state, I will find a job, and that I will even like it. I know I like photography and I already have a degree in that field so I feel like taking this chance isn't as big a deal as taking that chance. As soon as I have all the equipment I need and have a few shoots under my belt for my portfolio, I am going to start coming up with advertising, a website and prices.

I can't wait to start this new chapter in my life even though it is pretty terrifying if I don't make the income that I need to pay my student loans. At least I can start paying them off and wiping out the interest faster than if I waited to start until after I graduated. Luckily my husband is being very supportive about this. He's actually facing the same kind of crisis so he knows what it's like. We had a very deep discussion the other day where he realized that if he was honest with himself, he is not doing what he really wants either so he may change his plans too. I'm just hoping to make the most of this life and do what we really want before we get stuck in jobs we both hate.

On another note, we should find out thursday or friday if I'm pregnant this month. I can't really tell at this point. I feel a lot more hopeful about it this month than last because we were more precise with the timing and tried a lot more times this month. However, with being more hopeful, there is also a chance of being even more disappointed. If I'm not though, I will just be concentrating on my new career and let the chips fall where they may. I'll get pregnant when the time is right! Well, I guess that's enough for now.