Up in the air

What am I going to do? I am getting quite an unsettled feeling when I think about the near future. I want another baby and my husband and I are currently trying to get pregnant, but I just can't help but wonder where in the world that leaves me when it comes to school. It is going to be hard enough to do all the observation and student teaching necessary to graduate with one child, let alone doing it with one while being pregnant or with one toddler and an infant who needs copious amounts of attention and care. I just don't know how it's going to work. I want to be able to give my next child as much love and attention and care as I gave my first and I don't want my older child to associate her new sibling with me having to leave her at some daycare to do school stuff.

I really wish I would've gotten my crap together when I was younger so I didn't have to be dealing with this now. I am sick to death of homework and having every free second of my time consumed by doing it or feeling guilty because I'm not doing it. My student loan debt is astronomical and the only saving grace that my husband and I have right now is that they are in deferment since we are both in school.

On the other hand, lately my creative energies have been flowing and my desire to make money on my own. I have bought a new camera as I have previously posted about and I am trying to drum up a business using the one degree I actually managed to finish. If I can get it up and running and people actually like my work, I can make really good money. If I managed to get some wedding work, I could charge almost 2 grand for a weekend's worth of work. I also have an idea about starting a cheesecake business. I think I could do really well at that too. I could start by selling to some restaurants locally and then do a catering type thing where people order cakes from me for whatever occasion and I can either deliver them or they can pick them up. It would be low overhead cost and if I didn't get in too far over my head, it would be a doable task while the kids are sleeping. The actual work part of making a cheesecake is only a few minutes and then the rest is just baking and cooling.

I would love to be in business for myself doing things that I love and making my own schedule and still being here for my kids. For the first time I've actually started thinking that this is doable and I am capable at succeeding in my own business. I never felt like that before. I was afraid of failure, therefore afraid to ever even try. For some reason, that fear has subsided. Why? Maturity? Motherhood? Confidence? All of the above I think.

The only problem is I feel completely obligated to continue with school. I feel that I owe it to my husband who I've been hounding forever to finish his degree, I feel I owe it to my mother who has supported me in all my schooling choices but wants nothing more than to see me get a bachelor's degree after all I've put into it, I feel I owe it to my daughter to show her that even though it wasn't an easy roads by any means, I found a way to finish what I started and I feel that I owe it to myself if for no other reason than to get my money's worth. It will be an awful waste of money to spend on all those student loans if I never get the degree and potential job benefits from it.

To be perfectly honest though, at this point, I couldn't care less if I don't have a bachelor's degree. I used to think of it as kind of prestige thing and just a big accomplishment, but now I think it has just been a lot more trouble than it's worth. If I had started a photography business right after I got that degree, I wouldn't have wasted thousands and thousands of dollars on student loans and I'd probably already have some loans paid off. Now I just want to do something that I like to do while being able to take care of my family.

I just don't know how I'm going to pull off finishing this degree. I'm probably going to have to be doing all the student teaching stuff right around the time a new baby gets here if I get pregnant soon. I definitely don't want to put off having another baby because I'm not getting any younger and I want my children to be close in age. Also, I'm already getting spoiled by the independence that my daughter is exhibiting and I don't want to get totally used to it and then have another baby.

I guess I'll cross each bridge as I get to it and in the meantime keep chugging away at the degree even though I'm really not feeling motivated lately. God what a hypocrite I am! Every time my husband goes through these little periods where he wants to change and do something else I have a fit and tell him to stay on track cuz he's so close to being done and now I'm doing the same thing! I wish we could both just get our crap together! UGH! I guess I'll keep you posted!