Another end, another beginning...

Well it's New Year's Eve. Already. I can't believe how fast this year flew by. I think it went by faster than any other year so far. I just wanted to take a minute to reflect on this year and think about the year to come.

This year has brought about a lot of joy and happiness as well as some frustrations. My daughter has grown by leaps and bounds, recently speaking in complete sentences and learning more and more French words by the day. She is just such a beautiful little gift. She makes me laugh when I am grumpy, I marvel at her intelligence and her loving personality. She has brought so much fulfillment to my life I can't begin to thank God enough for bringing her to me.

After many months of having no insurance and no prospects at getting any, we finally got health insurance and soon after conceived our second child. I am now almost 23 weeks pregnant with a healthy, active baby girl. My daughter will have a sister just like I wanted and I will be blessed with two beautiful daughters to cook with, laugh with and just be with. I couldn't be more thankful for this gift either. I am enjoying every kick and squirm in my belly and while I look forward to meeting my second child, I know that this will be my last pregnancy so I am trying to soak up every moment of what it feels like to have another human being growing inside me. I don't think there is any gift greater than to be a woman who is able to carry a child.

After much pondering, I decided to try to make a career out of my photography and actually got some things accomplished to that end. I got a DBA license, I got business cards, I did a photo shoot for friends, and I did my first craft show. While business is very slow to start, I am hoping to at least make a lucrative hobby out of it. Meanwhile I am staying in school to complete my bachelor's degree. I don't think I will regret that decision.

In fact, looking in to the future, (not this new year though) I may even decide to go for my master's degree in family and child therapy. I don't know if I'll need to go further on with school after that in order to have any kind of job but it is something that I think I would be very good at and it is something that interests me.

I am looking forward to my husband getting a teaching job and realizing a long-held goal of getting a bachelor's degree and career. He's been working very hard and I will be very proud to see him accomplish his goal and be happy in a new career.

I am looking forward to doing an art show with my mother at her local library this summer. I will get paid $50 for it and get my work out there and possibly sell some too if people like what they see. It's just another foot in the door which is always great.

I am looking forward to cooking more "clean" meals and making a lot more stuff from scratch. This week I made ice cream and I am going to be making cinnamon raisin bread also. I feel so much better as a mother to give my daughter food that I prepared and is minimally (or not at all) processed. I want to make sure I eat more fruits and veggies as well.

While I am hoping for more good things this year, I recognize that every year has it's hard times and I just hope that I will have the strength and wisdom to face them and that I can support my family with whatever they will need.

Here's to a happy and healthy new year for everyone! I hope everyone is safe tonight and is able to ring in the new year with someone special!

Change

Well I am feeling much better and more optimistic since the last time I wrote. First of all, I had my ultrasound a couple weeks ago and was very relieved to learn that everything was good. All my genetic tests came back normal and everything looked like it was supposed to with the baby. The placenta is also attaching to the back of my uterus which is where it is supposed to be.

And after a lot of thinking that we weren't going to be able to find out the sex, the technician was able to get a good shot and let us know that we are having another girl! I am so excited. That is exactly what I wanted. I said I only wanted two kids and I wanted Riley to have a sister so it couldn't be more perfect! Now the two of them sharing a room will be much less of a problem and I will have to buy a lot less clothes and toys. We have a name picked out for her which I love, but no middle name so far. I only told my mother and two best friends what I'm having and I'm trying to keep it a secret from everyone else until I have the baby. I couldn't wait for the surprise, but I would like it to be a surprise for everyone else at least. I'm not even telling anyone the name either. I don't want to hear any feedback until the baby is born.

Riley is going to be such a good big sister too. She's always wanting to rub my belling and kiss it and talk to the baby. She is so gentle and sweet with her dolls and stuffed animals too. I'm just hoping that continues and she doesn't turn into a jealous monster once the baby is born. I'm hoping that I can pay her enough attention so that that won't happen, but only time will tell I guess.

Another thing that has boosted my mood was the craft fair I did this weekend. I went and picked up my mom who sat with me there all day. Thank God for that or I wouldn't have been able to get up to pee a thousand times like I had to! Anyway, I didn't sell anything but a few notecards, but I got a ton of compliments and pointers on how to kick my career up a notch. A lot of people took my card so I got my name out there and they were genuinely impressed with my work which made me very happy. I was across the aisle from two art teachers who bought some cards and really liked my stuff and then approached by another artist there who wanted to use some of my work to paint. Even though I didn't sell any prints like I had hoped, I left with a feeling of a job well done and satisfaction that people really enjoyed my work.

Lastly, after much worry and consideration and deliberation, I have decided to stay in school. I am not continuing in the same program however. I talked to my mentor at school who informed me of a program that I was not aware of before. It is an educational studies degree which is basically the same as the degree that I was getting except that it doesn't end in a teaching certification which is fine with me because as I've stated before, I don't want to teach anyway. So, now I don't have to worry about what to do with the kids while I'm trying to do the observations and student teaching that is required with that degree. I also don't have to pay back $700/month in student loans. That takes a load off my mind. I'll also end up with the bachelor's degree that I have worked so hard to get up until this point. I know that I will be happy with that and it will open more doors down the road if I can't manage to make the photography thing into an actual business.

I can't believe that Christmas is right around the corner. The weather has been so crappy out this week that I haven't been able to get out much so I am hoping that tomorrow it is a little better so that I can get the majority of the stuff I have left done. I have been making cookies for a few days and still have some more to do. I'm not quite sure who I'm making them for, but it's been fun!

Anyway, I'm feeling so much better about life in general than I was before. It goes to show you how much can change in just a little while. :-)

Not too jolly...

Today marks the start of the Christmas holiday and I am feeling less than jolly about the whole thing. Not really about the holiday but about life in general. I just found out that my brother lost his job like two months ago. It was an executive level position too. My best friend just told me that she's filing for bankruptcy and she's thinking about moving even farther away from me. She also thinks her son might be autistic. Good news all around this morning. Throw together in there the whole North Korea situation and it makes for a nice black cloud over my mood today.

Along with all that, I am extremely worried about money in the near future. By stopping school in December, I will start to be hit with major student loan bills come January. Not only do we have those bills to worry about, but we are now paying 356 dollars a month for health insurance which is pretty much useless because I have to meet a $2400 deductible before they start to pay for things. Then I believe they only pay at 80% anyway. We already got a bill for one of the lab charges for this pregnancy, soon I will get another and then there is the ultrasound next week and Lord only knows how much they will cost. Not to mention the bills for the actual delivery and all the prenatal care. All this on one income.

I don't want my husband to resent me for quitting school and putting him in the position to have to pay back everything on his own. I feel awful but at the same time I was not going to waste another two years of my life getting a degree for something that I do not want to do. I am trying to get this photography thing going and it seems to be picking up a little. I did one family portrait shoot and I am doing a craft fair in a couple of weeks. I had business cards made up and I am hoping that at least if not a lot of people buy my stuff I can at least get some exposure and have some people request my work. In fact, a coworker of my husband's told me that if I can get a good picture of our local lighthouse, she might buy it for her husband's birthday. I'm being commissioned to take pictures! That makes me feel like maybe I can make something out of this. I'm hoping I can because I would really love to contribute something towards the bills and my husband refuses to have me get a job because he thinks it is more important for me to take care of the kids. I just want to feel like I can contribute and help ease his burden a little since I feel like it's my fault that he's so burdened in the first place.

The poor guy is working so hard at work and then he comes home and goes to his taekwondo class and then does homework all the time so he can get a teaching job. And even though he'll technically be making less with teaching, at least he will have benefits and that is worth it's weight in gold it seems. I have no problem leading a simple lifestyle and not spending a lot of money, but it doesn't seem to matter too much to do that with all these other mandatory bills to pay. I'm just hoping that we can make it and don't end up losing our house, our sanity or our good credit along the way.

We have been going to church lately and I know this week what I will be praying for. For things to get better for everyone with this awful economy and that the U.S. doesn't find itself in another war. I am praying for everyone to just get along as naive and hippyish as it sounds. Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving and will have a good holiday season. I am going to try to stay positive and focus on the blessings in life instead of all this gloom and doom. :-)

Update

Well, things are pretty good here. I had my first appointment almost a month ago already and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat. My blood pressure and everything seemed good. We told my daughter that day that she's going to be a big sister and ever since then she's been so cute about it. When I read to her at naptime and night, she looks up and smiles at me and then lifts up my shirt and pets my belly and says "baby!" I think she is very excited to meet this baby. The other day she said "see baby!" and I had to explain to her that it's going to be awhile because it has a lot of growing to do!

Everyone thinks or hopes that I am going to have a boy. Everyone thought I was having a boy the first time around, including me until the day before my ultrasound when I just had a feeling it was a girl. I am really hoping for Riley to have a sister though. I had such an awesome, close relationship with my sister growing up and I just don't think there is any bond stronger than that. It's just so nice when you can talk to your sister about anything. I'd love for her to be able to have that and if the baby is a girl to have a big sister to look up to. I hope I am not too disappointed if I end up having a boy. I of course just want a healthy baby, but I don't know what to do with boys. My whole family and my husband's family is just filled with girls. I also find myself worrying more about stuff with boys. Circumcision, autism, potty training and daredevilness are among them. Hopefully if I do have a boy, my kids can still be super close and I can enjoy having one of each.

On another note, I can't believe it is almost Halloween! Every time I say anything about it, my daughter says "candy!" She has already learned how to say Trick or Treat and she's going to be a bee. If you ask her what a bee says she says "buzz a buzz, buzz a buzz!" It cracks me up. She's very excited, I just hope she'll actually let me put her costume on and doesn't get scared when we go out trick or treating. She gets scared easily by loud noises, I just hope the costumes don't faze her much.

Well that's about it for now, just wanted to give a quick update. Night!

Blessings

It seems I have taken to blog writing mostly when in a state of "crisis" or turmoil in my life and I wanted to take a moment today to write about all the wonderful, positive things in my life. Firstly, I am so thankful for my husband who seems to know just how to make all my stress and worries lift right off my shoulders. I was feeling a little scared yesterday about my career prospects and money and all that and he calmed me right down and told me not to worry and that he would take care of me and I just need to worry about being a good mom. He just makes me so happy I can't even tell you. I love that he respects me as a parent and values my parenting as an asset and tries to find any way he can that I am able to stay home to take care of our daughter. I honestly think I couldn't have found a better match for myself and I am so happy I found him so young!

Second is my daughter. She is amazing! Such a sweet, smart, funny little girl. She is just a happy little thing and I enjoy 99% of the time I spend with her. Of course there is the 1% when she is showing off her two year oldness! I'm just so lucky to be able to spend my days with her. I know what she is trying to say and what she is referring to even if what she's saying seems out of place to most people. She has a ton of sound effects that she uses for things and I know what all of them mean. Of course she learned the sound effects from me so it's easy for me to interpret! I just feel so connected to her. She's like my little sidekick. I love her so much sometimes I think I might just squeeze her to death like Lenny in Of Mice and Men. (But I won't really, don't worry!)

The fall. I am thankful that it is not 100 degrees anymore and there are fun things to get out and do as a family. Today we went to a Fall Jamboree where they had food, music, crafts, animals, pumpkins and apple picking. We also went on a wagon ride to get to and from the parking lot and to and from the apple picking. My daughter really seemed to enjoy that. It was my first time apple picking surprisingly and it was a lot of fun. It was pretty warm though and close to naptime so we kind of did it in a hurry, but I think if we go again, she will really like it. On the way back to the wagon I carried her and she just put her head on me and snuggled and she stayed like that all the way back to the car. Just cuddling with me and saying "hi mama". She just melts my heart! Sometimes I find myself missing this stage already even though we're still in it. I don't look forward to the days when she is too busy with friends to hang out with me or the stage when I'm just too embarrassing to even be seen with in public.

Lastly, I am thankful for this baby growing in my belly. I've always wanted to be pregnant during the fall and holidays and now I am. I'm excited to give my daughter a sibling and get to experience the little baby stage one more time before we move on from the babymaking stage.

I hope everyone can think of a few things to be thankful for today, and if you can't, wait until tomorrow because there's bound to be something then!

Kind of down today...

I don't know what my problem is today. Maybe it is the rainy, gloomy weather we've had or maybe it's just pregnancy hormones. I don't know. But I feel physically and mentally down. I haven't wanted to do much of anything today and I've been kind of nauseous and tired.

I placed an ad for my photography work in the paper this week. It went in on Friday. It's been in the paper for two days and I haven't heard a thing. I know two days is not really long, but I'm just worried that I won't get any bites at all. I'm also worried if someone does call me and I don't have enough experience for them that I won't get the job anyway and then I'm worried if I actually do get a job that I'll screw it up somehow and that I jumped into this thing before I really had enough practice. Just because I have a degree in photography doesn't make me a professional and taking the last 4 years off from anything photography related was probably not a good idea.

Maybe I should have practiced and gotten people to let me photograph them to build up my portfolio before I just jumped into business and decided I wanted to stop school. I can of course still continue on with school if I want but at this point I've already put myself so far behind I don't know if I'd be able to catch up and I still really don't want to do it. I think it is unfair to the school, the children, the parents of those children and myself if I continued on in that field.

I just get so worried that I will never be good enough for people to want my work and that I don't have the dedication and confidence to pull this off. I really blame my father's genes for this. He hasn't put any effort into anything in his whole life and I sometimes feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle trying to succeed in something and put effort into something. It feels like a genetic hinderance, something I really have to fight to get around. I just wish I had more natural talent, more drive and more confidence that I am any good.

I'm just afraid that I am going to quit school to really work on this business but the clients won't be there and I will end up working at Subway or something for the rest of my life because I have no education to fall back on and the one thing I do have a degree in isn't panning out. I'm also kind of bothered by the fact that I have not received the same kind of support from photography friends that I have always given to them. Apparently my work is not of the caliber that they can click that 'like' button on facebook. Thanks guys. The support is really helpful.

So, all around I just feel like a big pile of crap and I'm having trouble envisioning a successful career. Hopefully I'm wrong. Hopefully I'll get some interest in my ad and I can prove myself to be a good photographer. I know I need more practice but I just hope someone out there will give me the chance to succeed. I'm sick of feeling like there is nothing I excel in. There's only things that I am pretty good at. The only thing in my life that I really feel like I succeed in is parenting. I know that's more important than photography, or anything else, but I still want some kind of talent that people can recognize and appreciate me for. I've never been one that is good at scientific, mechanical or mathematical stuff so all I have left is artsy stuff. I wish I didn't always do everything half-assed and could've really pushed myself earlier in life. UGH.

I need to find something productive to do. Bumming around with my vacationing husband all week has not helped me to feel a sense of purpose. I just don't know what to do! I can't really practice my photography much with no subjects and while I'm trying to chase a two year old around. I guess I could do school work that doesn't really matter. Yeah, that should make me feel a lot better! :-(

Trapped

I feel so trapped right now. I don't know what to think or what to do anymore. I recently found out I am pregnant which is great news but it makes my confusion even that much more. I am due in May. I had recently made up my mind to stop school and focus on starting my photography career. This is pretty slow going because first I have to have all or most of the equipment I'll need which is pretty expensive, then I have to find clients who are willing to let me photograph them and use the pictures in my portfolio and it has been easy to find someone to say sure, you can take our pictures, but then they never want to set up an actual time to do it. So, it's stressing me out because I can't exactly stop school and have my loans go back into repayment when I'll have no income.

However, I have realized that I don't want to teach. I don't even want to deal with the crap that I will have to deal to get the degree if I stick it out. The only reason I am considering sticking out going to school is because I was recently made to feel like maybe I couldn't really do this photography thing and I better have A) a backup plan and B) a way to not have to pay back my loans.

The problem is that I will have to do 60 hours of observation at three different levels of education (preschool, kindergarten and third grade) and a bunch of difficult projects while I'm doing that. Not to mention I will have to pay about $200 just to have a background check and fingerprinting done. I will have to do all this while I am pregnant and have a toddler. So, I will have to find some kind of part time daycare while I am doing these observations which I'll have to pay for too and then I'll be toting around a 6-9 month old fetus while I'm at it. I would also have to hurry to try to get all the stuff done in a shorter amount of time so that I could take off three months from school after I have the baby. Once I do have the baby, I will be nursing so I will have fewer options when it comes to student teaching and all that.

I am not enthused. Every way I look seems to be a dead end. Or a real pain in the ass. I'm really getting pretty depressed about it. I really wanted to do something where I could be home with my kids and make my own schedule and still make some money, but I don't know if I can realistically pull off a photography career. Especially if I don't book a lot (or any) weddings, I don't think there is a big market around here to have a professional photographer come to your home and do children photos or family photos. I think most people don't want to spend the couple hundred bucks on that and opt to go to places like JCPenny or the Picture People or something. It's hard to compete with such cheap prices if I ever want to make any kind of profit. And if I can't even get people to want me to take those kinds of pictures, I am never going to have a portfolio sophisticated enough to do weddings. I just feel like I'm screwed. I either try and do what I really want and have nothing to show for it and then no degree either or I ditch the dream and do something I don't even want to do. Sounds like either way I'm screwed.

I really wish the school I'm going to had something else I could go for besides teaching. I love the way the school works and being able to do it online working whenever I have the time, but I really don't want to teach. It's just a daunting task to me. Even just finding a job after I have a degree will be almost impossible. School districts are letting go of people left and right, why would they hire an almost thirty year old woman with no experience when they could probably get some 21 year old with more experience who is willing to accept less money and will be with them for longer? UGH! I quit.

Guess I'll have to mull this over for a while. I'll check in again soon.

Jumping off a cliff!

Soooo....I've been thinking. Dangerous, I know. I have been so completely and utterly unmotivated and un-enthused with school lately. It's terrible. I have absolutely no desire to do any kind of homework. I'm sick to death of it. I've also come to realize that after all this time forcing my way through education programs, I really don't want to be a teacher. I know, I already had this epiphany. I should listen to myself more often. I find that way back when I finished my photography degree and was looking for something different to do, I got into education not because I had a passion to do it and a desire to teach but because I thought that was the only thing I could do with a French degree which is what I really wanted to study. Then when I took time off from school and decided that I wanted to go online, the only program they had at this college was education. I thought that teaching younger kids would appeal to me more than older kids, but the truth is, I really just don't want to do it. I don't think I have the patience. Some days I don't have the patience for my one child, let alone a classroom full of them. I don't want to get sick every other day and bring home lice or whatever else you pick up from grimy little kids either.

So, this is very scary for me, but I think I am done with school. I want to put my full focus and energy into starting my photography business and possibly a cheesecake business as well although the photography is my main goal right now. I worry though because once I stop school, the bills will start coming in for my student loans again. I have some money saved up that I can pay them with for awhile, but I'm worried that if I don't make enough money it will be a real hardship on the family. It's not exactly steady work you can count on. Maybe one week I'll have three shoots that people want me to do and then none for another couple weeks. I'm looking into all my options too such as selling prints to gift shops in town and post cards or note cards to the bookstore or something. I'm hoping that if I have a lull in one business, the other business will take care of the income.

I just love the idea that I will be working for myself. I'll make my own schedule and be around to take care of my family. When my kids start school I can use the day to get work done and then still be home when they get home from school. It sounds wonderful. I just worry about the immediate future and daycare if and when I have to do weddings on the weekends because my husband works Saturdays and there is really no one around here who I would trust to leave my kids with for an entire day.

I have just been doing a lot of thinking and have realized that I am young enough now to really pursue my passions and be able to make a career out of what I love to do, but that will not be the case for too much longer. I really need to get my act together, pick a direction and go. I know that I love and have always loved photography and the only reason that I didn't try to make a career out of it earlier was fear. I was afraid of failure, I was afraid that I did not have the talent needed to compete in the market and I was scared of talking to people in order to network. I'm not anymore and I refuse to just do this education thing just to have a degree. I don't want to spend thousands of more dollars getting an education when there is no guarantee that I am going to be able to be licensed in this state when my degree is from out of state, I will find a job, and that I will even like it. I know I like photography and I already have a degree in that field so I feel like taking this chance isn't as big a deal as taking that chance. As soon as I have all the equipment I need and have a few shoots under my belt for my portfolio, I am going to start coming up with advertising, a website and prices.

I can't wait to start this new chapter in my life even though it is pretty terrifying if I don't make the income that I need to pay my student loans. At least I can start paying them off and wiping out the interest faster than if I waited to start until after I graduated. Luckily my husband is being very supportive about this. He's actually facing the same kind of crisis so he knows what it's like. We had a very deep discussion the other day where he realized that if he was honest with himself, he is not doing what he really wants either so he may change his plans too. I'm just hoping to make the most of this life and do what we really want before we get stuck in jobs we both hate.

On another note, we should find out thursday or friday if I'm pregnant this month. I can't really tell at this point. I feel a lot more hopeful about it this month than last because we were more precise with the timing and tried a lot more times this month. However, with being more hopeful, there is also a chance of being even more disappointed. If I'm not though, I will just be concentrating on my new career and let the chips fall where they may. I'll get pregnant when the time is right! Well, I guess that's enough for now.

Up in the air

What am I going to do? I am getting quite an unsettled feeling when I think about the near future. I want another baby and my husband and I are currently trying to get pregnant, but I just can't help but wonder where in the world that leaves me when it comes to school. It is going to be hard enough to do all the observation and student teaching necessary to graduate with one child, let alone doing it with one while being pregnant or with one toddler and an infant who needs copious amounts of attention and care. I just don't know how it's going to work. I want to be able to give my next child as much love and attention and care as I gave my first and I don't want my older child to associate her new sibling with me having to leave her at some daycare to do school stuff.

I really wish I would've gotten my crap together when I was younger so I didn't have to be dealing with this now. I am sick to death of homework and having every free second of my time consumed by doing it or feeling guilty because I'm not doing it. My student loan debt is astronomical and the only saving grace that my husband and I have right now is that they are in deferment since we are both in school.

On the other hand, lately my creative energies have been flowing and my desire to make money on my own. I have bought a new camera as I have previously posted about and I am trying to drum up a business using the one degree I actually managed to finish. If I can get it up and running and people actually like my work, I can make really good money. If I managed to get some wedding work, I could charge almost 2 grand for a weekend's worth of work. I also have an idea about starting a cheesecake business. I think I could do really well at that too. I could start by selling to some restaurants locally and then do a catering type thing where people order cakes from me for whatever occasion and I can either deliver them or they can pick them up. It would be low overhead cost and if I didn't get in too far over my head, it would be a doable task while the kids are sleeping. The actual work part of making a cheesecake is only a few minutes and then the rest is just baking and cooling.

I would love to be in business for myself doing things that I love and making my own schedule and still being here for my kids. For the first time I've actually started thinking that this is doable and I am capable at succeeding in my own business. I never felt like that before. I was afraid of failure, therefore afraid to ever even try. For some reason, that fear has subsided. Why? Maturity? Motherhood? Confidence? All of the above I think.

The only problem is I feel completely obligated to continue with school. I feel that I owe it to my husband who I've been hounding forever to finish his degree, I feel I owe it to my mother who has supported me in all my schooling choices but wants nothing more than to see me get a bachelor's degree after all I've put into it, I feel I owe it to my daughter to show her that even though it wasn't an easy roads by any means, I found a way to finish what I started and I feel that I owe it to myself if for no other reason than to get my money's worth. It will be an awful waste of money to spend on all those student loans if I never get the degree and potential job benefits from it.

To be perfectly honest though, at this point, I couldn't care less if I don't have a bachelor's degree. I used to think of it as kind of prestige thing and just a big accomplishment, but now I think it has just been a lot more trouble than it's worth. If I had started a photography business right after I got that degree, I wouldn't have wasted thousands and thousands of dollars on student loans and I'd probably already have some loans paid off. Now I just want to do something that I like to do while being able to take care of my family.

I just don't know how I'm going to pull off finishing this degree. I'm probably going to have to be doing all the student teaching stuff right around the time a new baby gets here if I get pregnant soon. I definitely don't want to put off having another baby because I'm not getting any younger and I want my children to be close in age. Also, I'm already getting spoiled by the independence that my daughter is exhibiting and I don't want to get totally used to it and then have another baby.

I guess I'll cross each bridge as I get to it and in the meantime keep chugging away at the degree even though I'm really not feeling motivated lately. God what a hypocrite I am! Every time my husband goes through these little periods where he wants to change and do something else I have a fit and tell him to stay on track cuz he's so close to being done and now I'm doing the same thing! I wish we could both just get our crap together! UGH! I guess I'll keep you posted!

A few new things

Here are some images from my new camera that I wanted to share. Not too bad for my first week back at it after 4 years absence from photography I think!

New Camera!

Well, I finally received my new camera! It seemed to take a lot longer than I had anticipated once I placed the order, but all is good now. The manual on it is so long and there are so many features that I fear I'll never understand fully how to use it! Not to mention I am SO rusty in the photography department that I don't know how long it will take me to actually be able to take a decent picture with it. Plus, I only have one lens for the camera right now and no editing software so that will also make it difficult. I'm currently in the process for saving for those.

I'm just hoping that I can overcome the ADD that seems to come out in me when I have to read manuals and with all things technical. It is really important that I get a good understanding of how this camera works and photography in general. I know I have a degree in it, but I don't feel like I learned anywhere near the amount that I should have in order to get that degree. I feel that I have the creativity part under control for the most part, although I could use some improvement in that area as well, but the technical stuff is always what held me back. I have been reading a ton of photo blogs as well as joining an "online digital photography school" which sends all kinds of tips and tutorials to my email. I'm really hoping I can start taking some really good photos again. I'm going to post a few that I took with the new camera but please bear in mind that they are completely unedited and with no real knowledge of how to use the camera! Hopefully I'll be able to post pictures as I go along on my quest for new found photographic knowledge and experience and you can all delight in my advances! :-)

Opportunities?

Hello again. It's been a little while. What's new with me? Well let's see...nothing is happening in the pregnancy department yet. We are on our second month of trying. I don't technically know that I am not pregnant, I just feel that way. We have one more month of trying and then we are going to take a little break because I don't want my child to be born under an astrological sign that is incompatible with me! I know, I'm a crazy person.

I do feel excited, creative, hopeful and positive lately though. I was recently inspired by seeing an old friend from photography school and having her shoot pictures of my daughter. I had pretty much stopped all things photographic for a long time feeling that I was not good enough to ever make any money at it and I that I never learned enough to even try to make any money at it. Also, the fact that my only good camera was a film camera and it was a pain in the butt and expensive to take pictures with it did not help. I am now back on the photography wagon! I am buying a Nikon D5000 which should be getting shipped today or tomorrow and I can't tell you how excited I am to start playing with it!

I definitely need to refresh my skills and do some reading up on the subject of digital photography because I never really learned much about that medium. But I want to start snapping away and playing around too to learn by trial and error. Once I feel that I am in good form again, I am going to start trying to build a portfolio so that I can build a business. I am going to offer free sessions for photo shoots of newborns, children, engagement pictures and so on and then using those, I am hoping to entice someone to let me shoot their wedding so I can then use that in my portfolio so hopefully I can actually get paid for these things.

Don't get me wrong, I am in no way in it just for the money, I just feel that in order to give me a little boost of confidence to feel like I may actually have a knack for photography, a paycheck or at least someone willing to take a chance on me would help. I can't wait to get the camera so I can start snapping pictures and at least be able to set up a facebook page for my photography. A website will have to wait until I am in full blown business mode. The best thing about doing photography as a business is that I can do it on the weekends and in the summer so when I get a teaching job, I can still do this on the side. I'll be able to do two things I love if all works out according to plan!

I used to be deathly afraid to shoot someone's wedding for the simple fact that if you ruin someone's wedding photos, that's it. You're done. I do not want to be responsible for ruining the biggest day of someone's life. However, I think with the digital format, it would go a long way to give me peace of mind because I will be able to take a bunch of pictures and look at them and if they are not right I can do it until I get it right. I won't have to just shoot and hope and pray that they come out right when I get the film developed. I am just hoping that this new camera will greatly improve the quality of my pictures. Now I just need to get adobe Lightroom and I will be all set!

I am very glad that I have this to focus on right now because last month my mind was completely consumed with the whole "I could be pregnant...no I'm not pregnant" argument. This month I am focused on other things so it won't be so devastating this month if I'm not. Which is am 99.8 percent sure that I'm not.

I had my tarot cards read at the renaissance faire yesterday and the lady told me that now is a great time for my career, whether it is starting my own business or working for someone else, I have what it takes to get it done and within 6 months I should see some progress in that department. So, that was uplifting! I hope she's right about that, but wrong about me not having another baby for 3 0r 4 more years! Yikes! I can't wait that long, I'll be too old and tired by then! :-)

What to do, what to do?

Lately I have felt my creative juices start flowing again. It all started with a trip to have my daughter's photos taken. Being there with my friend from college who succeeded in the photography field when I was too afraid to even enter it, got me thinking about how much I actually miss it. I never really even think of it anymore. I was just telling my husband the other day that I never look at things through a camera lens anymore. I never look at something and say, "oh, that would make a cool picture." That kind of saddened me. I took pretty decent photos and I could've gotten a whole lot better if I had just had some more confidence in myself and patience to learn. I learned enough to pass my classes, but nowhere near enough to be able to go out and do it on my own. I should've gone and been an assistant to a photographer after school. I could be out on my own making pretty good money right now. Instead I am almost a hundred grand in debt for college for like 3 different majors.

Right now I would love to be able to make some extra cash to try and pay down my debt, or at least be paying on the interest. I miss having my own paycheck. I miss meeting people at work. However, I absolutely love staying home with my daughter. That's kind of why I wish I could do more photography. If I could do portraits a few times a week on location or something, it would bring in more income and give me the chance to meet people. I need a better camera though and it appears nobody wants to buy 35 mm cameras anymore, so it would take me forever to come up with the money for a nice digital camera. If I could sell the old one that I have plus a bunch of lighting equipment I have, I could put that towards a new digital camera that takes really good pictures. I just requested some digital photography books from the library because even though I have a degree in Photography, very little of it was digital. I think I had two classes on it and since I didn't have a digital camera, I couldn't really learn as much as I should have been able to. Also, I am so out of practice, I need a refresher.

I don't know, I just feel like that is something I can produce that I can see I've accomplished something. I feel like one day just blurs into the next and I haven't really done anything but play with my daughter. Not that I don't love that, but it would be nice to feel a sense of accomplishment in another area of my life. This is what happens when I have two weeks off from school! I go a little mad. In another few days I won't have time to worry about all this I guess. I suppose I'll be accomplishing school work towards my degree, but that is not quite as personally satisfying. I want to do something creative.

Well, I hope I haven't bored you all to death. If anyone even reads this blog. Probably not. Anyway, I'm off to find something to do. Night all.

Cruisin' right along...

I'm feeling pretty good about things lately. You can probably tell that by my lack of posting as of late. I passed two out of three tests that I have to take this semester and the other one I am taking for the second time tonight and I am hoping I pass. I only failed by 4 points last time so I am hoping that I have retained the first 51 points and that I can pull out the extra four that I need to pass. After that I just have one math project to do and I am done until July. Woot woot! I also have to sign up to take the Liberal Arts and Sciences test in July. I am not good with those kids of tests so I will have to study pretty well for that. I'm just hoping that I can find a babysitter for that day because it is a Saturday in the middle of July and both my husband and I have to take the test. Wish me luck on that front!

In other news, we finally have our health insurance in place as of the first of this month so we are going to go ahead and start trying this month for a new addition to the family. After all the doubts and fears that I had before, I am feeling much better about the whole thing and my husband made me realize that we will all adjust and it will be fine. My daughter will at least two and a half before her sibling is born so she will probably be more self sufficient and welcoming to a new family member. I do worry more about things that can go wrong with the pregnancy than I did with my first baby for some reason. Maybe because I have to make sure I can still take care of her and I also realize how lucky I got with her. I feel like having more and more children is like playing that game show "Press Your Luck" when you just want to say "no whammy, no whammy, no whammy". I am just hoping for another healthy, happy pregnancy and birth and of course a healthy child. After two I am done so I am just hoping everything goes smoothly and I can enjoy being pregnant since it will be my last time doing it.

We're going to get my daughter's photos done by a photographer that I went to college with in a couple weeks. We're going to a beautiful garden to have them done which is coincidentally where my parent's wedding photos were shot. I can't believe (and I feel terrible) that the first professional photos I am having done of my amazingly cute daughter is when she'll be 21 months old. I don't know what took me so long! I really wish I would have had some pregnancy shots done and then newborn shots at least. I just did not want to go to a crowded sears or penny's or somewhere else like that and have pictures done that I could do better myself. I also never got her picture taken with Santa for the past two Christmases either. Am I a horrible mom? I've taken enough pictures of her myself to fill a truck but I'm just now getting around to the professional ones. Ah well, at least she is more fun and interactive now anyway so the photos should be especially cute. She won't just be a lump on the floor. :-)

Well, I guess I should get in a little extra study time before my test. Wish me luck, I could use it!

I just don't get it...

I can't for the life of me figure people out. I just don't understand how you can be friends with a person for over 20 years and then just throw the friendship in the toilet for no other reason than you don't agree with some of his opinions. Without so much as a conversation to say "hey, it really bothers me when you..." before you decide to just chuck it. No "I think we should just go our separate ways because this friendship hasn't been working for me for awhile" or anything. Friends who were each other's best man at their weddings. Friends who had kids two weeks apart. Friends who have been more like brothers since they were in kindergarten.

I guess as a person who is loyal almost to a fault and who values her friendships as precious commodities, I do not understand how a person can do this. I have problems letting go of people in my life even when it would be much better for me to do just that. It just makes me sad. In a way I wish things could go back to the way they used to be, but another part of me realizes that that probably will never happen because things have changed. People have changed. I don't think there's any going back now. I guess I'm just in a mourning period for a friendship that is now dead. And it wasn't even my friendship (except through marriage). Hopefully soon I can move on and feel that our life together is more cleansed of drama and irritation than lacking something. I really don't know why I seem to be taking this harder than my husband, but I just feel betrayed and disappointed. People suck. If you can't count on your best friend of 20+ years to stick by you, who can you count on? :-(

Expanding the family?

Well, we finally got health insurance! Yay! We've been waiting for months to be able to get insurance so we can work on having another (final) baby. The only problem is that now that I can actually go ahead and get pregnant, I'm finding myself scared to death. I really want my daughter to have a sibling and I want to have them pretty close in age. I just can't help thinking about how much harder my life is likely going to become. I think about the nap situation a lot. My daughter used to nap on top of me for the first 6 months of her life and I was strapped to the couch for two hours or more a day while she did this. There is no way that is going to happen with a second child as I will have to be running around after the first. Also, my daughter is down to one nap now and the new baby will be napping a lot and then will go to two naps so how do I ever leave the house? How do I coordinate naptimes between the two of them? I don't know how I will be able to function without my two hour break in the middle of the day.

Leaving the house is another pain in the butt prospect. Trying to lug the baby around while chasing after the toddler does not sound like fun to me. Throw in there a purse and diaper bag and it sounds like pure hell. My daughter has been sleeping through the night for months and months now and I don't know how I will go with the lack of sleep again. It was ok before because when my daughter kept me up at night, she would sleep most of the day and I could nap with her. I won't be able to do that this time around because I have to take care of my older child. I don't function too well on very little sleep and I feel that I am nowhere near the best mother I can be when I have not slept well. I also worry about the fact that we only have two bedrooms so the kids will have to share a room. I remember the first week that we had the baby sleeping in her room she cried and cried and I don't want to have her waking up all the time when the new baby is crying. It is just such a logistical nightmare!

I feel like I have finally regained some semblance of my own life and it will be kind of hard to give that up. I'm also selfishly afraid what a second pregnancy will do to my body. It was very kind to me the first time around, but I'm not so sure about a second time.

All in all, now is the best time to do it since I still have a couple more years in school (which is online) so I can stay home with the baby before I have to worry about getting a job. I also know that even though it will probably be very difficult for the first 6 months or maybe a little longer, it will ultimately be wonderful and it will add such happiness to our family and give my daughter a playmate and friend.

I have always taken the easier path in my life and I know that the easier path in this case would be to stick with just one child and pour all my love and attention onto her and just enjoy the blessing that I have now. Having a second child will be more chaotic, stressful and tiring, but it will be worth the extra work. Nothing in life worth having ever comes easy and I think that applies to this situation as well. I'm just going to have to take up drinking coffee or something! I hope that if it ever comes to be that both the kids are sleeping at the same time, I can magically learn to fall asleep very quickly and get a little refreshed.

Even as I write this I don't know why because worrying about all this stuff is not going to make me not have another child and it is not going to do any good because I can't really figure out any of the particulars until after I have the baby and see how he or she deals with sleeping and all that other stuff. I guess I'll just take a deep breath, stop worrying, and start trying! Wish me luck! :-)

New Possibilities

After more than a month of dealing with the school that I was going to re-attend and not getting anywhere, I decided to stay at the school I am currently attending. Yes, I already paid a $100 deposit to be readmitted but they were driving me nuts telling me I needed all these forms and to talk to all these different people to get my transfer credits applied correctly. Last night I decided to look at my file to see if they ever changed anything on my degree because they said that once the readmission process went through my report might change. Well, it turns out that they did finally change it without all the crap that they said they needed from me. So now, after I changed my mind about going there, they have everything all updated showing I just need ten more classes to graduate and that would only be like 6 or 7 classes between the fall and spring because three of them could be done during the summer and one or two might even be able to be done online.

However, I refuse to change my mind again and go back there. All the classes will probably be full by now anyway because they made me wait so long for them to get their act together. I also determined that I really didn't want to have to go to school during cold and flu season and have my daughter in daycare probably getting sick left and right. I would have to be taking days off from school to take care of her and then I would get behind. It is so much less stressful and more comfortable for me to stay where I am. I am just annoyed because once they fixed the information it made the decision a little less clear than it had been. I still think career wise though, I am making the right decision continuing with early childhood education instead of French. What am I going to do with a French degree anyway?

It is finally working out for us that we will be able to qualify for and afford state insurance so sooner rather than later we can have another baby. I really wanted to do it before I finished school so that I could just get a job and not have to worry about going on maternity leave shortly after. I also wanted to do it before I am 30 which is quickly approaching. I want to keep my kids kind of close in age so they can be playmates and share a room without too much hassle. Also, I want to do it before I am completely used to having a more independent kid and I have to go back to babyland. Also I am only planning on having one more so once the new kid is older I can get rid of all the baby crap that is taking up room in the house.

I am very excited. I am thinking that I will start trying in June or July so I won't be having a baby in the middle of winter. I can just imagine trying to get out of the house to the hospital when there is a snowstorm or ice or something. That'll be fun trying to skate my pregnant self to the car! Even though my husband and I change our minds about everything all the time, I am hoping that these few decisions I've made recently will work out for the best and we can expand our family soon!

A Whole New Dilemma...

Why do I keep torturing myself with the whole college thing? I was so excited to just finish my bachelor's degree and be done with it. I've been in school for 23 years straight now. I'm tired. I'm done. Or am I? Yesterday I just had the thought that since grad school is pretty much like a brand new slate, if I was to go, I would like to go to be a nutritionist. I am really interested in keeping my family and myself healthy and I could definitely see myself really enjoying classes that relate to nutrition as well as a profession in that field.

The problems are these: I have no background in science because I have always been on a language track in both high school and college so there are a bunch of science pre-requisites that I would need in order to even start one of these programs. Some schools will let you in without these classes having already been taken and you just take them there before you start the actual program, but some schools won't even let you in without that background.

I have no background in the sciences because I am awful at science! It is not my strong suit at all. I know that being a nutritionist will have a lot to do with biology and anatomy and biochemistry but my thought is that if I really want to do this as a career then I can and will get through the courses and do my best to completely understand the material. My husband has absolute faith that I can handle these classes, but I am not so sure.

The closest school that offers this program is 45 minutes away from me in a city that I prefer not to drive alone in. It is also about 37k a year and I already have thousands upon thousands of dollars of student loan debt. So, if I go through with this program, my whole paycheck once I am done with it will probably be going towards my loans for a very long time.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I want to have another baby. I already have to put that off longer than I would like because I'm finishing my bachelor's this year. I would only have 6 months after graduation of deferment on my loans so I would have to get a job in order to help pay those off, so I wouldn't be able to stay home with my daughter. If I went to grad school right away, my loans would remain in deferment, but I would still not be able to have another baby for another 2-3 years. So it would be 3-4 more years before I could have another baby and my daughter is already 18 months old. I want them to be pretty close in age. I also want the next baby to have the same advantages as my first as far as being breast fed for a year, being able to stay home with him or her and give her as much love and attention as I did with my first. I don't want to create a life long resentment of both me and my older child because the younger one had to go to daycare and I was never around.

Ah, what to do, what to do? It seems like planning when to have a second child is harder than planning the first. Even though she is the joy of my life and the best child I could ask for, I don't want her to be an only child. She needs someone to play with, to commiserate with, to laugh with, keep secrets with and to love. She is so loving and she would make such a great big sister. Plus, I loved being pregnant so much the first time and having a baby to cuddle, I really want to do it just once more before I'm done.

I wish everything in my life wasn't always so up in the air. I guess it's kind of exciting because I never know where I'll end up, but it is also very frustrating because it's very hard to make a life and a home when I don't know where I'll be living or doing in the next few years. UGH. Someone help!

School...ARRRGH!

I am getting more and more stressed about school all the time. Every day it seems there is another thing that I have to do to satisfy them. All I want to do is register for my freaking classes and finish my degree within a year. It shouldn't be that difficult. But no, they want a financial aid verification worksheet, they want an "off campus study approval" form, they want to try to tell me that half the general education classes that I took won't count for squat. They want me to wait almost a month after regular registration to be able to register my classes which will probably mean that there won't be any seats left for me. It's really annoying!

I should only have to take like 8 more classes to get my degree but I don't know with the way it's going. I would also love to know if my daughter is going to be accepted into the campus daycare sometime before the day before classes start so I can figure out an alternative situation if need be. Why do colleges have to have their heads so far up their asses? It takes so much leg work and busy work in my opinion to ever get to the education part of college. And when you're like me and you end up switching colleges all the time it's like a constant state of annoyance.

I cannot wait until this is over with and I have my degree. I don't think I will ever have the urge to go back again. It would be nice to be able to get a master's degree but I don't think it's happening. It has taken me ten years past high school and I still have a year left to go for a bachelor's degree. I don't think I can take any more schooling once I am done. I just can't wait to get all this wrapped up in a neat little bow, schedule my classes, finish my classes and graduate already. I've come this far for a bachelor's degree, I don't want to leave it unfinished with so few classes left to take. I am just really hoping they don't screw me over with the general education crap. Trust me, in ten years I have taken enough general education classes! Just let me graduate already! Ahhh, it feels much better to get that out.

There's nothing better...

I can't think of anything better in life than watching your kids being silly and laughing hysterically with them. There is no sweeter sound than baby laughter. There is nothing my eyes would rather see than my little girl playing and laughing. I can't tell you the joy and satisfaction I get from soaking in her innocence and unbridled enthusiasm for everything in life. She is such a dream come true. Every day I marvel at how smart she is becoming and the new things she can accomplish on her own.

I can't imagine my life without her. A world without children would be a miserable place. They remind us to take time out and enjoy life. They are a clean slate and we write on them every day. It is so important to make sure we write the right things. Nothing on this earth brings me more joy than children, especially my own! :-) It is just too bad that childhood is so fleeting; especially nowadays when we seem to be ripping our children's innocence from them at younger and younger ages.

Every night I am so happy at having spent another day with my baby girl but I'm also sad that another day of her childhood is gone. Ah well, such is life I suppose. Bittersweet. I just hope that all you parents out there remember to take the time to truly enjoy your children and make the most of their childhoods. Don't focus on stupid little things that annoy you or test your patience. One day you will be longing for this time again. So, kiss your kids and let them bring joy into your hearts.

Bad Drivers!

My town has the worst drivers imaginable! Actually, our pedestrians are pretty stupid too. Last week I was behind a truck and the light turned red so we're all stopped. All of a sudden, this truck decides he wants to back up. I had no idea why he was backing up or where he wanted me to go because there was another car right behind me. He starts gesturing in his side view mirror getting all huffy with me and then decides he's going to back up anyway so that he can parallel park in the space next to me. Who does that?? You can just be at a light a decide "Oh, there's a spot, I'll just park there when I'm in the middle of traffic." He almost backed into me. I had my daughter in the car and I almost got out and beat this guy senseless. What a moron!

Then today I was driving out of a parking lot after driving down the lane of the lot and stopping at the end and signaling to turn into the driving lane which leads out of the parking lot. This jackass comes flying through the lot (through all the parking spaces, not the driving lane) and almost t-bones me. I saw him look at me but he just kept right on going. I had to honk at him too. My daughter was again in the car with me. After I got out of that lot and up the road a little ways, some moron turned left in front of a car that had the green light to go straight and some pedestrians almost walked right in front of another car. Some people should just stick to the bus! By the way people, when the little orange hand is up at you, don't just cross the street anyway. There is a reason it is telling you to wait. It absolutely drives me insane when people cross the street when I am in the turning lane and have a green arrow but I can't turn because I have to wait for them to get across the street. Then I end up waiting through five more minutes of lights.

There, I just had to get that out. That is my rant for the day! Sorry if I offended any bad drivers or pedestrians out there. Oh, who am I kidding. No I'm not. You guys suck!

Scared for today's youth

Has anyone seen this story? http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2010/03/25/lkl.teen.girl.cnn

This is sickening! I don't know if technology is causing young people to feel cut off from reality or the consequences of their own actions, but this is disgusting. I am truly scared for the youth of today. They are growing up in a world without discipline, without love and patience and without a sense of right and wrong apparently. Teenagers are flying off the handle over stupid, petty things and they don't even feel remorse. How are we raising a society of sociopaths? In my opinion, people need to focus more on parenting their children and less on themselves and their careers and whatever else is getting in the way of them being real parents. And while we're on the subject, spanking is not discipline and it does not create loving, sensitive people, it creates violent kids. It does not teach children the difference between right and wrong, it just teaches them what they can get away with or what will get them hit. How is that effective?

I just have to say that if I was that girl's mother, it would take every fiber of my being to not go after the little punk who did that and show him what rage looks like. I don't know if I would be able to leave it up to the justice system to take care of him. I just wish we could return to the values that families seemed to have in the 50's. Or even the 80's. I don't know what is happening these days, but there needs to be a change. This is sad!

A Dead End?

At 28, there are so many things in my life that I am thankful for and truly blessed with. I have a wonderful, hardworking husband, a sweet, smart, beautiful little girl, a nice house to live in and an opportunity to stay home with my daughter. So why do I feel like I have hit a dead end in my life?

Maybe it's because I have a useless two year degree and about one more year to go on a four year degree that may just prove to be equally useless. I have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars and almost ten years of my life attempting to receive an education. For what? I have no real dream job which makes everything all the more difficult, and I have found that what I really want to do is stay home with my daughter and have another child soon. The only problem with that is that my husband has a less than secure job and is in the same boat as me in regards to education and not having a real passion for a certain kind of work.

As we're getting older, we have fewer and fewer options in regards to jobs. The age in and of itself is not the problem, but the fact that we have a family and a home doesn't really allow for big, risky lifestyle changes. I feel strange about this situation because on the one hand, I am completely happy and satisfied with my life the way it is NOW, but I feel like I'm living in a kind of limbo where this is not the future that we had planned and it may be the only kind of future we ever see. Working in jobs that make us miserable and just getting by.

All I want is to be with my family and to have the opportunity to raise my own children. Careers and Education seem to be getting in the way of this desire. What do I do with my life? I want my daughter to grow up to respect me and her dad and to have all the time that she can with us. I don't know if finishing school and getting some kind of job will make her respect me or the fact that I decided that nothing was more important than her and found a way to stay at home with her. I just wish that didn't put so much pressure on my poor husband. Life is hard today. I hope tomorrow holds more hope and promise than today.