A Whole New Dilemma...

Why do I keep torturing myself with the whole college thing? I was so excited to just finish my bachelor's degree and be done with it. I've been in school for 23 years straight now. I'm tired. I'm done. Or am I? Yesterday I just had the thought that since grad school is pretty much like a brand new slate, if I was to go, I would like to go to be a nutritionist. I am really interested in keeping my family and myself healthy and I could definitely see myself really enjoying classes that relate to nutrition as well as a profession in that field.

The problems are these: I have no background in science because I have always been on a language track in both high school and college so there are a bunch of science pre-requisites that I would need in order to even start one of these programs. Some schools will let you in without these classes having already been taken and you just take them there before you start the actual program, but some schools won't even let you in without that background.

I have no background in the sciences because I am awful at science! It is not my strong suit at all. I know that being a nutritionist will have a lot to do with biology and anatomy and biochemistry but my thought is that if I really want to do this as a career then I can and will get through the courses and do my best to completely understand the material. My husband has absolute faith that I can handle these classes, but I am not so sure.

The closest school that offers this program is 45 minutes away from me in a city that I prefer not to drive alone in. It is also about 37k a year and I already have thousands upon thousands of dollars of student loan debt. So, if I go through with this program, my whole paycheck once I am done with it will probably be going towards my loans for a very long time.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I want to have another baby. I already have to put that off longer than I would like because I'm finishing my bachelor's this year. I would only have 6 months after graduation of deferment on my loans so I would have to get a job in order to help pay those off, so I wouldn't be able to stay home with my daughter. If I went to grad school right away, my loans would remain in deferment, but I would still not be able to have another baby for another 2-3 years. So it would be 3-4 more years before I could have another baby and my daughter is already 18 months old. I want them to be pretty close in age. I also want the next baby to have the same advantages as my first as far as being breast fed for a year, being able to stay home with him or her and give her as much love and attention as I did with my first. I don't want to create a life long resentment of both me and my older child because the younger one had to go to daycare and I was never around.

Ah, what to do, what to do? It seems like planning when to have a second child is harder than planning the first. Even though she is the joy of my life and the best child I could ask for, I don't want her to be an only child. She needs someone to play with, to commiserate with, to laugh with, keep secrets with and to love. She is so loving and she would make such a great big sister. Plus, I loved being pregnant so much the first time and having a baby to cuddle, I really want to do it just once more before I'm done.

I wish everything in my life wasn't always so up in the air. I guess it's kind of exciting because I never know where I'll end up, but it is also very frustrating because it's very hard to make a life and a home when I don't know where I'll be living or doing in the next few years. UGH. Someone help!