Trapped

I feel so trapped right now. I don't know what to think or what to do anymore. I recently found out I am pregnant which is great news but it makes my confusion even that much more. I am due in May. I had recently made up my mind to stop school and focus on starting my photography career. This is pretty slow going because first I have to have all or most of the equipment I'll need which is pretty expensive, then I have to find clients who are willing to let me photograph them and use the pictures in my portfolio and it has been easy to find someone to say sure, you can take our pictures, but then they never want to set up an actual time to do it. So, it's stressing me out because I can't exactly stop school and have my loans go back into repayment when I'll have no income.

However, I have realized that I don't want to teach. I don't even want to deal with the crap that I will have to deal to get the degree if I stick it out. The only reason I am considering sticking out going to school is because I was recently made to feel like maybe I couldn't really do this photography thing and I better have A) a backup plan and B) a way to not have to pay back my loans.

The problem is that I will have to do 60 hours of observation at three different levels of education (preschool, kindergarten and third grade) and a bunch of difficult projects while I'm doing that. Not to mention I will have to pay about $200 just to have a background check and fingerprinting done. I will have to do all this while I am pregnant and have a toddler. So, I will have to find some kind of part time daycare while I am doing these observations which I'll have to pay for too and then I'll be toting around a 6-9 month old fetus while I'm at it. I would also have to hurry to try to get all the stuff done in a shorter amount of time so that I could take off three months from school after I have the baby. Once I do have the baby, I will be nursing so I will have fewer options when it comes to student teaching and all that.

I am not enthused. Every way I look seems to be a dead end. Or a real pain in the ass. I'm really getting pretty depressed about it. I really wanted to do something where I could be home with my kids and make my own schedule and still make some money, but I don't know if I can realistically pull off a photography career. Especially if I don't book a lot (or any) weddings, I don't think there is a big market around here to have a professional photographer come to your home and do children photos or family photos. I think most people don't want to spend the couple hundred bucks on that and opt to go to places like JCPenny or the Picture People or something. It's hard to compete with such cheap prices if I ever want to make any kind of profit. And if I can't even get people to want me to take those kinds of pictures, I am never going to have a portfolio sophisticated enough to do weddings. I just feel like I'm screwed. I either try and do what I really want and have nothing to show for it and then no degree either or I ditch the dream and do something I don't even want to do. Sounds like either way I'm screwed.

I really wish the school I'm going to had something else I could go for besides teaching. I love the way the school works and being able to do it online working whenever I have the time, but I really don't want to teach. It's just a daunting task to me. Even just finding a job after I have a degree will be almost impossible. School districts are letting go of people left and right, why would they hire an almost thirty year old woman with no experience when they could probably get some 21 year old with more experience who is willing to accept less money and will be with them for longer? UGH! I quit.

Guess I'll have to mull this over for a while. I'll check in again soon.